Postracial Basketcase: Death by Trade – Elias Abuelazam.

Lord knows I was not gonna be that kid to get in the unmarked, white van to help the man in the cap find his lost Labrador for a piece of candy, but then adulthood showed up, and I’ve been spending that time ensuring I’m not ashy in a deep, deep well waiting shrieking for Jodie Foster.

I guess my gut and instinct and intuition got devoured by my hormones post-puberty, post-closet.

Luckily, I have good friends, my Security Council, who have saved me so much from my basic needs.

I wish I could pay them all to be my Counselor Troi on staff!

They will take your light, Dewey. Be wary of Big Bads!”

But they are speechless and silent at present.

I am mad today: I have a crush on The Serial Stabber.

I am all shades of wrong.

I am going to go back to my high school reunion and be named Most Likely to Date/Fuck/Get Murdered by a Vampire Serial Killer.

Arab Israeli Elias Abuelazam, the Serial Stabber, is a racist psychopath suspected in 18 attacks, resulting in five deaths, in Genesee County, Michigan; Leesburg, Virginia; and Toledo, Ohio in the spring and summer of this year.

According to Wikipedia, he would drive around late at night, approach men who were walking alone, ask for directions or help fixing his car, and then stab them.

His victims were mostly black.

There’s the rub.

By nature, I jump at the chance to be a Good Samaritan.

He looks like an ugly a more homely version of the Lebanese dude on that musclebear website who was devastatingly attracted to me and who kept trying to get me to come wrestle and wrastle and wrassle with him in Dubai.

Stabby, stabby.

One thing I am no longer doing is apologizing for my desires.

As fucked up as they are.

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